XLVIII. Dear Lance
As I rummaged through my case of porn yesterday, looking desperately for the one where the people have sex, I came across a letter I wrote to my once-hero Lance Armstrong. At the time he had seemed so down-to-earth, what with his one nut and everything. Turns out, however, Lance began a questionably erotic relationship with Hollywood bad boy Matthew McConaughey and the sometimes attractive Sheryl Crow, and never answered my humble correspondence.
Dear Lance,
I heard that you won the Tour de France (?) for a seventh time and I just wanted to congratulate you. I couldn’t find your e-mail address so I’m kinda hoping they get 101-stories in France or Paris or whichever country you are in.
So what’s up? Was it hard training for the Tour de France? What kind of bicycle did you use? I got a Huffy (sp?) a few years ago but can’t figure out how to ride it. I think it needs a chain. Did your mom know you raced? I think my parents wouldn’t give me permission. They don’t like the French because they fought against us in the Gulf wars. My Dad says if he ever meets someone from France he will call them “freedom fries” not “French fries.”
Anyway. What is going on? They say that you are from Plano but I don’t believe it. Like someone can ride a bike across the ocean. Wasn’t born on a turnip truck! What gear did you use in the Tour de France (sp?)?
I’m trying to think of what has happened since you have been gone … Oh, my cat died. Rickets. He was old. My parents had him I think before I was born but he would always make a mess on the rug and make my dad mad. It looked weird. I think he would eat rubber bands. Plus, they bombed London.
Hey, if you ever come to Texas, you should come to my house. We have the extra bedroom since my sister started dating Juan and Dad made her move out. We could go for a bike ride around my block. You will probably beat me, because I have to use my feet on account of the no-chain thing. Anyway, glad you won. If you ever need someone to ride with you in a Tour de France somewhere, just let me know. I could borrow a chain and we could try to win! Anyhoo, good job, I’ll be rooting for you.
LYLAS,
Clubber Lang
P.S.: Have you ever won a Super Bowl?
Dear Lance,
I heard that you won the Tour de France (?) for a seventh time and I just wanted to congratulate you. I couldn’t find your e-mail address so I’m kinda hoping they get 101-stories in France or Paris or whichever country you are in.
So what’s up? Was it hard training for the Tour de France? What kind of bicycle did you use? I got a Huffy (sp?) a few years ago but can’t figure out how to ride it. I think it needs a chain. Did your mom know you raced? I think my parents wouldn’t give me permission. They don’t like the French because they fought against us in the Gulf wars. My Dad says if he ever meets someone from France he will call them “freedom fries” not “French fries.”
Anyway. What is going on? They say that you are from Plano but I don’t believe it. Like someone can ride a bike across the ocean. Wasn’t born on a turnip truck! What gear did you use in the Tour de France (sp?)?
I’m trying to think of what has happened since you have been gone … Oh, my cat died. Rickets. He was old. My parents had him I think before I was born but he would always make a mess on the rug and make my dad mad. It looked weird. I think he would eat rubber bands. Plus, they bombed London.
Hey, if you ever come to Texas, you should come to my house. We have the extra bedroom since my sister started dating Juan and Dad made her move out. We could go for a bike ride around my block. You will probably beat me, because I have to use my feet on account of the no-chain thing. Anyway, glad you won. If you ever need someone to ride with you in a Tour de France somewhere, just let me know. I could borrow a chain and we could try to win! Anyhoo, good job, I’ll be rooting for you.
LYLAS,
Clubber Lang
P.S.: Have you ever won a Super Bowl?
posted by Clubber Lang at 11:13 AM
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