XLVII. Setting the Record Straight
My Uncle Morton has to seem (on the surface) like the most timid guy you could ever meet. You know the type, the type that has never left his small town and has no intention of ever doing so. Sure, he wanted to see the world, but to do that he would look no further than the local bookstore, "Still A Crook's Books." He had a room packed to the brim with travel guide books. Barbados, Antarctica, Baghdad, Laos, Bratislava, You name it - he's read it. He must have had 200+ travel guide books, all of which made it seem to him like he had truly seen the world.
When his wife, Krystal Creed, finally passed on at the ripe old age of 102, he was devastated. She meant everything to him. As one of the world's premier geriatric pornstars, she had gained fame and fortune for her breakthrough role in "Aged to Perfection" and had truly taught him the meaning of love. He couldn't shake the image of her love scene with Domino Monroe that had gone so horribly wrong.
Sure, he had the money she left him, but he lost the one he loved and now life seemed meaningless. He would often tell me that when he looked deep into himself to see what the future holds, he would visualize a huge empty hole of nothing. Kind of a bleak outlook for a 33 year old guy who'd just lost his 102 year old geriatric pornstar wife that was worth her weight in gold.
From then on I took on the mission of giving his life purpose again. My first inclination was that he needed to get out of that small town and spend his money traveling to see the world, but that idea went out of the window pretty quick since he said he had already seen the best that the world had to offer on the pages of his hundreds of travel guides.
It was about that time that I saw an advertisement in Sky Mall magazine for a Guinness Book of World Records. "That's it!!!" I stood up and exclaimed before the plane was diverted away from Washington.
When I got out of custody I rushed to the book store, grabbed a copy of the Guinness book and began scouring the pages for a record that he could break. I then called Uncle Mort and told him my plan. I had found how he was to leave his legacy.
At first I was intrigued by the "longest distance for a pogo stick ride," which was 23 miles. Since Uncle Mort was born without legs, this would prove to be impossible. Next on the list was "heaviest elephant ever tackled by a sub-150 lb person." After a month of training and fasting, he was at the perfect weight. So I wheeled him as fast as I could at the 4 ton elephant we had located, and the result was tragic. He snapped his pelvis in 3 places and spent the next 6 months trying to recover, which he never really did.
At last I found one that seemed realistically attainable - "Most King Cobras ever fought at one time." The record was 2 and there were no restrictions on weapons used or whether you even had to win the fight. I mentioned this to him, and I'll remember his words for as long as I live - "This will be my legacy. I will take on 35 King Cobras in a locked closet with a shotgun. It will be the grandest of all Guinness Records. I may not come out victorious, but I will have made my mark on this world."
I filled out permit after permit and finally managed to make his dream of fighting 35 King Cobras at once in a locked closet with a 12-gauge a reality. When I shut that door, I never expected him to survive and of course, he didn't. But I do think that somewhere, up in the heavens, Krystal watched her husband fight valiantly and was rejoiced to finally my Uncle Mort with her once more. I still shed a tear every time I read that letter from the people at the Guinness Book of World Records that denied his record from entering the books due the "illegality" of the attempt.
When his wife, Krystal Creed, finally passed on at the ripe old age of 102, he was devastated. She meant everything to him. As one of the world's premier geriatric pornstars, she had gained fame and fortune for her breakthrough role in "Aged to Perfection" and had truly taught him the meaning of love. He couldn't shake the image of her love scene with Domino Monroe that had gone so horribly wrong.
Sure, he had the money she left him, but he lost the one he loved and now life seemed meaningless. He would often tell me that when he looked deep into himself to see what the future holds, he would visualize a huge empty hole of nothing. Kind of a bleak outlook for a 33 year old guy who'd just lost his 102 year old geriatric pornstar wife that was worth her weight in gold.
From then on I took on the mission of giving his life purpose again. My first inclination was that he needed to get out of that small town and spend his money traveling to see the world, but that idea went out of the window pretty quick since he said he had already seen the best that the world had to offer on the pages of his hundreds of travel guides.
It was about that time that I saw an advertisement in Sky Mall magazine for a Guinness Book of World Records. "That's it!!!" I stood up and exclaimed before the plane was diverted away from Washington.
When I got out of custody I rushed to the book store, grabbed a copy of the Guinness book and began scouring the pages for a record that he could break. I then called Uncle Mort and told him my plan. I had found how he was to leave his legacy.
At first I was intrigued by the "longest distance for a pogo stick ride," which was 23 miles. Since Uncle Mort was born without legs, this would prove to be impossible. Next on the list was "heaviest elephant ever tackled by a sub-150 lb person." After a month of training and fasting, he was at the perfect weight. So I wheeled him as fast as I could at the 4 ton elephant we had located, and the result was tragic. He snapped his pelvis in 3 places and spent the next 6 months trying to recover, which he never really did.
At last I found one that seemed realistically attainable - "Most King Cobras ever fought at one time." The record was 2 and there were no restrictions on weapons used or whether you even had to win the fight. I mentioned this to him, and I'll remember his words for as long as I live - "This will be my legacy. I will take on 35 King Cobras in a locked closet with a shotgun. It will be the grandest of all Guinness Records. I may not come out victorious, but I will have made my mark on this world."
I filled out permit after permit and finally managed to make his dream of fighting 35 King Cobras at once in a locked closet with a 12-gauge a reality. When I shut that door, I never expected him to survive and of course, he didn't. But I do think that somewhere, up in the heavens, Krystal watched her husband fight valiantly and was rejoiced to finally my Uncle Mort with her once more. I still shed a tear every time I read that letter from the people at the Guinness Book of World Records that denied his record from entering the books due the "illegality" of the attempt.
posted by Max Rays at 11:21 AM
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