XLIII. ¡Viva Washington!
In addition to being an award-winning porn star/inventor, from time to time I write speeches to make ends meet.
A few months back, Mayor Adrian Fenty rejected my commissioned inauguration speech with a firm but polite note. Not being one to waste my work product, I publish it here for historical purposes.
Ladies and Gentlemen Washington, D.C.,
I am Adrian Fenty and I am your strong new mayor! Thank you, thank you. We are gathered here today to witness the ushering in of a new era, a new horizon of hope, and a new dawn of possibility. Also there are refreshments.
I know Washington has been divided in the past, along north-south lines, along economic lines, and along racial lines, but I think we can do better. I would like to add musical lines, and body-type preference if possible.
Together we can and will make Washington a city we can all be proud of, and less likely to get shot in. I want Washington to be the best city in the District of Columbia. Period. Exclamation point. Tilde.
My fellow citizens, this is our finest hour! Maybe finest hour and a half. Depends on traffic. I promise you are about to see a mayor unlike any you have seen before. I will be the strongest mayor you have ever seen. I am about to start carrying a gun.
If I see something I don't like, panhandling, a Texan, I am going for the gun. No questions asked.
Right now, I would like to lay out my broad plan for a new Washington, but we don't have a smooth surface, so we'll skip it.
Under my leadership, Washington will take its rightful place, south of Baltimore and east of Sacramento. [Pelvic thrust to audience for emphasis.]
Tony Williams is here today [applause]. Tony served Washington honorably and tirelessly and we should give him a proper send-off. Here ya go! [Dip Mayor Williams back and kiss him fully and hard.] Vincent Gray, you are next!
In conclusion, I would like to say something that I can't remember right now, so let me just add a line from my favorite song. "Rollin down the street, smokin indo, sippin on gin and juice."
Thank you, and may God Bless Washington, D.C.!
[Fire pistol in air, take off shirt and creep on girls Hybrid Hank style.]
A few months back, Mayor Adrian Fenty rejected my commissioned inauguration speech with a firm but polite note. Not being one to waste my work product, I publish it here for historical purposes.
Ladies and Gentlemen Washington, D.C.,
I am Adrian Fenty and I am your strong new mayor! Thank you, thank you. We are gathered here today to witness the ushering in of a new era, a new horizon of hope, and a new dawn of possibility. Also there are refreshments.
I know Washington has been divided in the past, along north-south lines, along economic lines, and along racial lines, but I think we can do better. I would like to add musical lines, and body-type preference if possible.
Together we can and will make Washington a city we can all be proud of, and less likely to get shot in. I want Washington to be the best city in the District of Columbia. Period. Exclamation point. Tilde.
My fellow citizens, this is our finest hour! Maybe finest hour and a half. Depends on traffic. I promise you are about to see a mayor unlike any you have seen before. I will be the strongest mayor you have ever seen. I am about to start carrying a gun.
If I see something I don't like, panhandling, a Texan, I am going for the gun. No questions asked.
Right now, I would like to lay out my broad plan for a new Washington, but we don't have a smooth surface, so we'll skip it.
Under my leadership, Washington will take its rightful place, south of Baltimore and east of Sacramento. [Pelvic thrust to audience for emphasis.]
Tony Williams is here today [applause]. Tony served Washington honorably and tirelessly and we should give him a proper send-off. Here ya go! [Dip Mayor Williams back and kiss him fully and hard.] Vincent Gray, you are next!
In conclusion, I would like to say something that I can't remember right now, so let me just add a line from my favorite song. "Rollin down the street, smokin indo, sippin on gin and juice."
Thank you, and may God Bless Washington, D.C.!
[Fire pistol in air, take off shirt and creep on girls Hybrid Hank style.]
posted by Clubber Lang at 9:56 AM
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