XXXV. Keynote Speaker: Clubber Lang, esq.
Dear Peggy,
I want to thank you for your interest in having my client, Clubber Lang, appear at your event.
As is required by the terms of my representation, I must inform you of the following conditions for Clubber Lang’s appearance.
Clubber must be paid in cash prior to the event. The rate is $250 an hour, with a 12-hour minimum.
Clubber will not enter the front door and insists on a private entrance to be cut fresh in the rear of your facility.
Upon arrival, Clubber prefers to be "fireman carried" to his dressing room.
Clubber requires a private dressing room (minimum 50 feet by 30 feet) to accommodate his elaborate costumes. He also requires people to watch him change.
The dressing room should be kept at a maximum temperature of 63 degrees. His reptiles will remain lethargic and less dangerous at this temp.
Prior to speaking, Clubber shall be bathed and salved by a full-figured woman whom he will call "mommy." She should have at least one eye patch.
Clubber Lang requires two bottles of Evian, three ham sandwiches, and one Sherpa.
Clubber will deliver his standard 45-minute speech, "Why I Am Better Than You," broken into equal segments to allow ample smoke breaks. You are required to provide the cigarettes for Clubber. No one else is permitted to smoke.
Please instruct your attendees not to touch Clubber or look him directly in the eye or he will interpret this as a sign of aggression. In fact, the best way to view Clubber is through hand mirrors.
Please be advised, it is not prudent to have someone like Clubber sprung on unfamiliar audiences, so here is a brief bio for inclusion in your literature:
"Clubber Lang is a local television, radio and print personality in the greater Washington, DC area. His style has been described as alternately combative and inaccessible. His shows are legendary if not under-attended. In recent years, Clubber's lazy eye has become an identifiable and touchy trademark in the club scene. Crowds delight at his powers of imitation – 'Castro's Artificial Anus' a particular fan favorite. Audience members are advised to bring a change of clothes, a list of emergency contacts, and a desire for laughter."
Peggy, I must say this is the first time Clubber has been asked to appear at an elementary school career day, and there is a certain amount of apprehension mixed in with my fear. I hope your students get something out of Clubber's exciting career path and are inured to saltier language.
Sincerely,
Zark Throbmyer, Publicist
I want to thank you for your interest in having my client, Clubber Lang, appear at your event.
As is required by the terms of my representation, I must inform you of the following conditions for Clubber Lang’s appearance.
Clubber must be paid in cash prior to the event. The rate is $250 an hour, with a 12-hour minimum.
Clubber will not enter the front door and insists on a private entrance to be cut fresh in the rear of your facility.
Upon arrival, Clubber prefers to be "fireman carried" to his dressing room.
Clubber requires a private dressing room (minimum 50 feet by 30 feet) to accommodate his elaborate costumes. He also requires people to watch him change.
The dressing room should be kept at a maximum temperature of 63 degrees. His reptiles will remain lethargic and less dangerous at this temp.
Prior to speaking, Clubber shall be bathed and salved by a full-figured woman whom he will call "mommy." She should have at least one eye patch.
Clubber Lang requires two bottles of Evian, three ham sandwiches, and one Sherpa.
Clubber will deliver his standard 45-minute speech, "Why I Am Better Than You," broken into equal segments to allow ample smoke breaks. You are required to provide the cigarettes for Clubber. No one else is permitted to smoke.
Please instruct your attendees not to touch Clubber or look him directly in the eye or he will interpret this as a sign of aggression. In fact, the best way to view Clubber is through hand mirrors.
Please be advised, it is not prudent to have someone like Clubber sprung on unfamiliar audiences, so here is a brief bio for inclusion in your literature:
"Clubber Lang is a local television, radio and print personality in the greater Washington, DC area. His style has been described as alternately combative and inaccessible. His shows are legendary if not under-attended. In recent years, Clubber's lazy eye has become an identifiable and touchy trademark in the club scene. Crowds delight at his powers of imitation – 'Castro's Artificial Anus' a particular fan favorite. Audience members are advised to bring a change of clothes, a list of emergency contacts, and a desire for laughter."
Peggy, I must say this is the first time Clubber has been asked to appear at an elementary school career day, and there is a certain amount of apprehension mixed in with my fear. I hope your students get something out of Clubber's exciting career path and are inured to saltier language.
Sincerely,
Zark Throbmyer, Publicist
posted by Clubber Lang at 12:54 PM
1 Comments:
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