XXXII. Ask Clubber!

People ask me questions all the time.

"Clubber, do you think I should tell my boyfriend about us?"

"Do you have the correct time?"

"What is the slip differential in a symbiotic equation?"

"Is it in yet?"

I think it is time I capitalize on this endless interrogation. Here is a little advice column I like to call "Ask Clubber," although it is technically titled "Throwaway Story No. 7."

Q: Clubber, I will be attending college next year on full scholarship, but my problem is that I don't want any of my new friends to know I am on a free ride. I am afraid they might think that I consider myself better than them. Help.

– Misty

Misty, the simple answer is you are better than them. I firmly believe that those of us who are superior to others should tastefully rub it in the face of those who aren't in print. Thank you for your reminder.

Q: Dear Clubber,

I am thinking of buying one of those new Prius hybrid cars. Do you know much about them?
– Joe

Yes.

Q: Dear Mr. Lang,

My mother says I have to move out of the house because I am 32. Don't you think this is arbitrary reasoning?

– Mark

Mark, this is absolutely arbitrary and, I would say, downright evil. Living at home for as long as you like is a birthright in our generation. I would suggest you gently remind your mother that all that is hers is technically yours due to inheritance laws. I would send this friendly reminder by certified mail under phony legal letterhead for added emphasis.
If that doesn't work, buy a Prius and live in that. That's what I always do.