XXXVII. I Can Be Your Hero, Baby
Spider-Man 3 made $4 trillion in its first minute of release, why? Because the Devil's plan is working? Sure, but also because all humans love superheroes.
It might have to do with our own fragility in an uncertain world, or perhaps it is a way of working out our own idealized self through art. For me it was always more about the unitard, but whatever the reason, superheroes sustain our imagination and make us pay nine bucks for a movie.
I have been obsessed with superheroes since I was in the third grade. While other kids were playing games and developing potent social skills, I was drawing the entire League of Justice on my Trapper Keeper and hitching up my Wonder Woman panties. True story: For my prom, I went as Aquaman. Stag.
But I wasn't content worshipping existing superheroes – I invented my own. Every day at school, I would sit in the lunchroom, friendless and soiled, creating new superheroes and villains from whole cloth.
I created over four million. Figgy the Pudding Slinger, Altruistic Man, Skippy the Abortionist, all mine. I knew the day would come when Hollywood would be handing out development deals to anyone with a vague superhuman idea, so I filled my notebook and waited for the day. Now I am so confident in the profitability of my creations that I haven't put a dime in my 401k. I want to help you become as potentially wealthy as I hope to might be someday. Maybe.
You, too, can create your own blockbuster superhero to sell to the studios with my Clubber Lang Show Superhero Matrix. A good superhero must have a unique superpower, a vulnerability and a cool name. Take a trait from each category, blend, let cool, then sell the hell out of it to the studios.
I have provided enough raw material here for hundreds of superheroes, but please don't be greedy. This is my gift to the entire world, not just you.
SUPERPOWER
X-Ray Vision
Flight
Invincibility
Strength of 10 men
Drives well
VULNERABILITY
Can't pronounce S's
Unable to defend self
A bleeder
Bad credit score
Hates conflict
Yodels
NAME
Unremarkable man
Chris
The Backpeddler
Giggling Tom
Abominable Sandwich
Sports Panties
It might have to do with our own fragility in an uncertain world, or perhaps it is a way of working out our own idealized self through art. For me it was always more about the unitard, but whatever the reason, superheroes sustain our imagination and make us pay nine bucks for a movie.
I have been obsessed with superheroes since I was in the third grade. While other kids were playing games and developing potent social skills, I was drawing the entire League of Justice on my Trapper Keeper and hitching up my Wonder Woman panties. True story: For my prom, I went as Aquaman. Stag.
But I wasn't content worshipping existing superheroes – I invented my own. Every day at school, I would sit in the lunchroom, friendless and soiled, creating new superheroes and villains from whole cloth.
I created over four million. Figgy the Pudding Slinger, Altruistic Man, Skippy the Abortionist, all mine. I knew the day would come when Hollywood would be handing out development deals to anyone with a vague superhuman idea, so I filled my notebook and waited for the day. Now I am so confident in the profitability of my creations that I haven't put a dime in my 401k. I want to help you become as potentially wealthy as I hope to might be someday. Maybe.
You, too, can create your own blockbuster superhero to sell to the studios with my Clubber Lang Show Superhero Matrix. A good superhero must have a unique superpower, a vulnerability and a cool name. Take a trait from each category, blend, let cool, then sell the hell out of it to the studios.
I have provided enough raw material here for hundreds of superheroes, but please don't be greedy. This is my gift to the entire world, not just you.
SUPERPOWER
X-Ray Vision
Flight
Invincibility
Strength of 10 men
Drives well
VULNERABILITY
Can't pronounce S's
Unable to defend self
A bleeder
Bad credit score
Hates conflict
Yodels
NAME
Unremarkable man
Chris
The Backpeddler
Giggling Tom
Abominable Sandwich
Sports Panties
posted by Clubber Lang at 3:00 PM
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