XLVI. How to Write Good

Have you ever wanted to be writer, but just didn't know how to get started? Take it from me, someone who has had tremendous success publishing vacuous pieces with a 500 word quota: Writing can be fun and profitable with little money down.

A lot of people want to be as successful as me. That's understandable, although unrealistic. Yet, I have made up a list of pointers to help you in your quixotic quest.

Mistake No. 1: Quitting your job in order to devote your full time to writing. This is always a bad idea. The better idea is to write on company time and leech benefits. You can also hide behind cubicles and fake plants taking notes on co-workers for character traits and story ideas. "Susan had a lazy eye and was having an affair with Chuck, the gimp from HR who smelled like Funyuns."

Mistake No. 2: Not writing a best-seller. I have always been amazed at people who choose not to write a best-seller in order to write about something they have a passion for. We don't care about your relationship with your alcoholic dad. We want a Quidditch match or a character named Bourne. Sex scenes are good, too.

Mistake No. 3: Using clichés. I have seen a million and one writers who don't realize that clichés are as tired as a worn-out old carpet in Grandma's house on Christmas morning, as it were. Think outside the box, push the envelope and always make certain you are playing offense.


Now let's talk obstacles facing the new writer.

Obstacle No. 1: The blank page. One of the most difficult things for a writer is facing the blank page. This is easily remedied by throwing blood or gravel on the page to make it less white and more unblanky. Then you can step away from the desk and start to drink without guilt.

Obstacle No. 2: Subject matter. What should you write about? I have always found that a good way to start off a story is "I am great because ..." It never fails to lift my spirits and inform the reader about her world.

In order to let you in on what we writers call "process," I am including an excerpt of one of my poorer stories with accompanying notes on where I went wrong.

"Hey, reader! Long time no talk. Here is another self-involved un-relatable story about me and my annoyances at things in the world. Quidditch match, Quidditch match. I was at the supermarket. Bourne!"

You can see I had a strong beginning, but I didn't inject enough of myself in the piece right up front. People like to see my name as soon as possible. Also, I think I was somewhat lazy in my introduction of the Quidditch match. I should have said "Clubber Lang was playing Quidditch and having sex against Jason Bourne!"

Always remember, you should never write empty words just to reach your word quota. Let me repeat, you should never write empty words just to reach your word quota. You hear that? You should never write empty words just to ...