XLV. Piggy-backing Pottermania
I get the question so often that I'm sick of it: "Clubber, how did you become such a good lover?"
But another question I have been getting a lot lately is the one I wish to discuss: "Clubber, what do you think will happen in the next Harry Potter book?" (The book is due for release on July 21.)
The answer is, I have simply been with a lot of different women, many of them Thai and paid. The answer to the second question is more complicated and less infectious.
I admit that I am behind in my Pottermania. I am halfway through the first book and have seen the first two films, but I don't remember the second one. Is that the one where Harry does magic?
But since I have personally seen platform 9 3/4, the hotel where Rowling wrote the book, and the viaduct that the Hogwarts Express traverses, I feel I can speak with some authority on how the final Potter book will unfold.
My top five predictions for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows:
1. Harry will start a band with some muggles and score a minor hit on the UK charts with "You All Everybody" before a mysterious plane crash makes him drown while waving to a Scotsman.
2. Hermione reveals how she got that name. In a disturbing scene echoing 1992's The Crying Game, Harry comes face to face with the truth of "Herm"-ione's gender. But does that stop Harry?
3. Ron Weasley befriends a new Slytherin student nicknamed "The Fonz" and stars in his own spinoff recalling happier times. Ron then goes bald and sentimental as a director.
4. A roving gang of drunken Quidditch fans destroys Hogwarts after a match. In the subsequent investigation, Professor McGonagall is found to be having an affair with a female softball player.
5. Harry's experiments with recreational drugs intensify and the final scene of book seven will be an emaciated Harry spitting up on himself and uttering the new anti-drug catchphrase "Listen up, muggles. Don't be like me."
No matter what happens in the magical world of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, one thing is certain – I am a wizard at love. Wanna see my Nimbus 2000?
But another question I have been getting a lot lately is the one I wish to discuss: "Clubber, what do you think will happen in the next Harry Potter book?" (The book is due for release on July 21.)
The answer is, I have simply been with a lot of different women, many of them Thai and paid. The answer to the second question is more complicated and less infectious.
I admit that I am behind in my Pottermania. I am halfway through the first book and have seen the first two films, but I don't remember the second one. Is that the one where Harry does magic?
But since I have personally seen platform 9 3/4, the hotel where Rowling wrote the book, and the viaduct that the Hogwarts Express traverses, I feel I can speak with some authority on how the final Potter book will unfold.
My top five predictions for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows:
1. Harry will start a band with some muggles and score a minor hit on the UK charts with "You All Everybody" before a mysterious plane crash makes him drown while waving to a Scotsman.
2. Hermione reveals how she got that name. In a disturbing scene echoing 1992's The Crying Game, Harry comes face to face with the truth of "Herm"-ione's gender. But does that stop Harry?
3. Ron Weasley befriends a new Slytherin student nicknamed "The Fonz" and stars in his own spinoff recalling happier times. Ron then goes bald and sentimental as a director.
4. A roving gang of drunken Quidditch fans destroys Hogwarts after a match. In the subsequent investigation, Professor McGonagall is found to be having an affair with a female softball player.
5. Harry's experiments with recreational drugs intensify and the final scene of book seven will be an emaciated Harry spitting up on himself and uttering the new anti-drug catchphrase "Listen up, muggles. Don't be like me."
No matter what happens in the magical world of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, one thing is certain – I am a wizard at love. Wanna see my Nimbus 2000?
posted by Clubber Lang at 10:00 AM
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