LXXXV. The State of Union is GOOD

In case you didn't see Monday's highly divisive State of the Union address by President Bush, here is a transcript.

SCENE: Representatives and senators settle into assigned seating. Republicans on one side, Democrats on the other. On the front row, Supreme Court justices subtly adjust garters under black robes. Cheney is wheeled in on a dolly and strapped into his chair. A plate of raw steak is placed nearby to pacify him. Bush approaches the podium and begins.

"My fellow Americans, I would like to start off tonight by giving a big shout-out to Martin Luther King."

Everyone stands and applauds. In the gallery, former Sen. Jesse Helms Googles "Martin Luther King," and remains seated.

"Now I realize that in a system of two parties there will always be differences. But I know we can all be nice and civil with each other, can't we?"

Both sides of the chamber grumble and shift in their chairs uncomfortably.

"After all, we are here for a united and strong America."

Some congressmen are seen hiding their "Republicans Rule" and "Democrats Do It Better" pennants.

"Now, let's talk about our progress in Iraq."

Republicans erupt in cheers while Democrats pretend not to have heard him.

"We must continue to fight for freedom and ensure victory over our dirty enemies."

Republicans jump up on their chairs and high-five each other. Democrats look like they have just received a 5 percent chance of living.

"Calm down now. We are winning the war in Iraq and it is because of the courage of our leadership!"

Republican leaders stand again and chest-bump each other. John Boehner is seen mouthing the words "My house! My house!" like he just sank a three-pointer from half court.

"Now it hasn't been all good for me. My Social Security reforms were soundly defeated..."

Democrats erupt in cheers and wave pennants wildly. Ted Kennedy begins folk dancing as several Dems mount shoulders and begin celebratory chicken fights.

"But I am still the president..."

Democrats drop pennants and dismount shoulders.

"And I will be president for one more year."

Republicans laugh and break out in impromptu team-building exercises.

"Sometimes I wonder if America is headed into her darkest days."

John Kerry stands up and applauds. His tempo fades as he notices the entire room is seated and looking at him. A final handclap echoes off the back wall as he sits, looking ahead blankly.

"But make no mistake, we must keep up domestic spying to find out what's going on!"

Republicans bring out a birthday cake and sing "For he's a jolly good fellow" while Democrats vomit and pass out.

Somewhere in a grave in Virginia, Thomas Jefferson rolls over.