LXXXII. It's Wonderful Knife!!
The days after Christmas time are some of the best of the year. It's always the same. Everyone returns from their respective holiday getaways and tries to out impress each other with the material possessions they acquired from people they pretend to like. It's touching.
For me that time is great because it's when I come down from my annual 3 week Robitussin binge and realize that some parts of life are actually worth living for (e.g. Lobsterfest). This year was especially fun because I awoke to a man in brown banging at my door holding a mysterious package. I prayed this wouldn't be the same lame stunt my parent's pulled last year by sending me an empty box labeled "fan mail."
It occurred to me that this man might actually have something of value to me so I decided to let him go freely after I signed for the package. Turns out it was a most wonderful surprise!! Three different sets of Japanese steak knives, all reasonably priced (just under $1,000) and an authentic Samurai sword as sharp as a tac - sharper even - With a dragon right there on the blade!!
As I rummaged through the packing peanuts, mildly cutting my hands here and there, I managed to put together some semblance of a memory from the night I purchased these. The receipt indicated that on December 24th, when I was no doubt in my deepest stages of recreational drug use and was pretty 'tussed up' as I like to say, I saw an advertisement for Japanese steak knives on QVC that were capable of slicing through various things: pipes, shoes, house pets, bottles, you name it!
So there I sat, with a world of cutting potential at my fingertips. You wouldn't believe the things you can find to cut if you are so inclined. I started with shoes, just as an attempt to prove the man in the hairpiece on the shopping network wrong. But it was flawless, just as he described.
Next came bigger challenges: three ring binders, sewage pipes, bones, diving boards. Yet nothing, and I mean nothing could stop these knives. Now, I bet you think I'm going to tell you I found something they can't cut. Well you have no idea how wrong you are. Chain link fences. Barbwire. Handcuffs. I feel free as ever with these knives in my hands.
Finally, I have a reason to live. For once in my life I have found myself on the cutting edge, and it tastes sweet, sweet as the Grape Robitussin I just polished off.
For me that time is great because it's when I come down from my annual 3 week Robitussin binge and realize that some parts of life are actually worth living for (e.g. Lobsterfest). This year was especially fun because I awoke to a man in brown banging at my door holding a mysterious package. I prayed this wouldn't be the same lame stunt my parent's pulled last year by sending me an empty box labeled "fan mail."
It occurred to me that this man might actually have something of value to me so I decided to let him go freely after I signed for the package. Turns out it was a most wonderful surprise!! Three different sets of Japanese steak knives, all reasonably priced (just under $1,000) and an authentic Samurai sword as sharp as a tac - sharper even - With a dragon right there on the blade!!
As I rummaged through the packing peanuts, mildly cutting my hands here and there, I managed to put together some semblance of a memory from the night I purchased these. The receipt indicated that on December 24th, when I was no doubt in my deepest stages of recreational drug use and was pretty 'tussed up' as I like to say, I saw an advertisement for Japanese steak knives on QVC that were capable of slicing through various things: pipes, shoes, house pets, bottles, you name it!
So there I sat, with a world of cutting potential at my fingertips. You wouldn't believe the things you can find to cut if you are so inclined. I started with shoes, just as an attempt to prove the man in the hairpiece on the shopping network wrong. But it was flawless, just as he described.
Next came bigger challenges: three ring binders, sewage pipes, bones, diving boards. Yet nothing, and I mean nothing could stop these knives. Now, I bet you think I'm going to tell you I found something they can't cut. Well you have no idea how wrong you are. Chain link fences. Barbwire. Handcuffs. I feel free as ever with these knives in my hands.
Finally, I have a reason to live. For once in my life I have found myself on the cutting edge, and it tastes sweet, sweet as the Grape Robitussin I just polished off.
posted by Max Rays at 4:47 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home