LXXXI. Clubber Lang: Total Man
If you have not already heard the name Clubber Lang® on the various talk shows, or in support groups, you soon will. I am the next evolutionary step. Born without hair, wisdom teeth, appendix or decency. As most of you know, I am the desire of all women, and the envy of most men. I have owned more Cadillacs than Elvis, and weigh 200 lbs. less than his bloated Percodan-enriched body. I have had more women than Warren Beatty, Wilt Chamberlain, and Ellen Degeneres. I am the embodiment of the American Dream, the personification of mastering one’s own destiny.
But I was not always the picture of success. No, I am from humble, almost modest beginnings. My story is a sad one. I was born at an early age to biological parents. I was born in a manger. Despite the historical success of manger babies, early indications indicated that mine was an uphill battle. As a child I was chubby and fat. Then I made a discovery.
My dad worked in a garage where he would repair various cars and charge people for it. One time while I was visiting I became thirsty. I reached for my water but accidentally grabbed a container of antifreeze. I gulped it down.
I had never been sicker.
Over the next week I lost 155 lbs. of pure weight loss. Vomiting, sweating, jaundicing, you name it, I was doing it. But as miserable as I felt toward that antifreeze, I couldn’t deny it’s effectiveness as a weight-loss agent. That’s when I decided to pull off the manufacturer’s label on the gallons of antifreeze and put my own Clubber Lang’s Majik Wait Loss Elixir® label on them. They sold like hot cakes, which I also sold.
Next thing you know, I had marketed my product to trailer parks (as elixir) and to garages (as antifreeze) around the Southwest and surrounding counties.
I soon left my ragged childhood behind and became a wealthy business typhoon that no one would ever suspect of being an uneducated trailer park go-nowhere man. That’s right. I pulled myself up by my bootstraps to become the embodiment of the American Dream. The poor man’s Horatio Albert, if you will. I have learned all of life’s secrets along the way and now I want to share them with you.
We’ve only just begun!
But I was not always the picture of success. No, I am from humble, almost modest beginnings. My story is a sad one. I was born at an early age to biological parents. I was born in a manger. Despite the historical success of manger babies, early indications indicated that mine was an uphill battle. As a child I was chubby and fat. Then I made a discovery.
My dad worked in a garage where he would repair various cars and charge people for it. One time while I was visiting I became thirsty. I reached for my water but accidentally grabbed a container of antifreeze. I gulped it down.
I had never been sicker.
Over the next week I lost 155 lbs. of pure weight loss. Vomiting, sweating, jaundicing, you name it, I was doing it. But as miserable as I felt toward that antifreeze, I couldn’t deny it’s effectiveness as a weight-loss agent. That’s when I decided to pull off the manufacturer’s label on the gallons of antifreeze and put my own Clubber Lang’s Majik Wait Loss Elixir® label on them. They sold like hot cakes, which I also sold.
Next thing you know, I had marketed my product to trailer parks (as elixir) and to garages (as antifreeze) around the Southwest and surrounding counties.
I soon left my ragged childhood behind and became a wealthy business typhoon that no one would ever suspect of being an uneducated trailer park go-nowhere man. That’s right. I pulled myself up by my bootstraps to become the embodiment of the American Dream. The poor man’s Horatio Albert, if you will. I have learned all of life’s secrets along the way and now I want to share them with you.
We’ve only just begun!
posted by Clubber Lang at 10:33 AM
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