LXXIX. Special and Spicy Holiday Viewing
When you write a blog for a major metropolitan daily, you get a lot of mail. Most of the mail is threatening, but some of it is a plea for you to review some Great New Product. It could be a book, a movie, a fish tranquilizer, or maybe even a new, flavored condom. (Tastes OK.) This year, I received five Christmas specials on DVD with notes requesting favorable reviews. Here are my findings:
Rudolph, the Emo Reindeer. In this updated tale, Rudolph, in his dark-rimmed spectacles, attends a suburban reindeer school and rarely smiles. Donner plants some chronic in Rudolph's messenger bag, which is full of angst-riddled poetry. The climax occurs at a Fall Out Boy show when Rudolph jumps on stage, strips nude and holds his forelegs out in cruciform as Donner's bullets pierce his heart. Two and a Half Candy Canes.
Santa's in Trouble! Andy Dick plays Mrs. Claus, a jolly femdom who tortures Santa into signing over his land to Wal-Mart so she can fund her growing smack habit. Santa is played by a pitifully ailing Kirk Douglas, whose best comedic lines are buried under slurred speech. The reconciliation scene is actually tender, although way too graphic for most families. One and a Half Candy Canes.
Johnny Has Two Daddies This Christmas. We follow the story of little Johnny, whose family has undergone a massive transformation due to divorce. The final scene – where Johnny's mom realizes that "it had nothing to do with her" – is priceless. Five Candy Canes.
Frosty the Self-hating Cutter. Shortly after Karen and her friends make him from the newly fallen snow, Frosty grows sullen and withdrawn. Refusing to enjoy his corncob pipe or family vacations, Frosty prays for the temp to creep above 32 degrees so that he can "be at peace." Musical numbers and choreography save this dark tale. Three and a Quarter Candy Canes.
Santa's Been Drinking Again. Not even worth reviewing. Stars Margot Kidder as the abused but faithful wife. Gun violence might be unsuitable for smaller children. No Candy Canes.
Trojan Extra Spicy. The ribs make it more enjoyable for some, but most will find the jalapeño taste distracting, if not painful.
Merry Kwanzaa.
Rudolph, the Emo Reindeer. In this updated tale, Rudolph, in his dark-rimmed spectacles, attends a suburban reindeer school and rarely smiles. Donner plants some chronic in Rudolph's messenger bag, which is full of angst-riddled poetry. The climax occurs at a Fall Out Boy show when Rudolph jumps on stage, strips nude and holds his forelegs out in cruciform as Donner's bullets pierce his heart. Two and a Half Candy Canes.
Santa's in Trouble! Andy Dick plays Mrs. Claus, a jolly femdom who tortures Santa into signing over his land to Wal-Mart so she can fund her growing smack habit. Santa is played by a pitifully ailing Kirk Douglas, whose best comedic lines are buried under slurred speech. The reconciliation scene is actually tender, although way too graphic for most families. One and a Half Candy Canes.
Johnny Has Two Daddies This Christmas. We follow the story of little Johnny, whose family has undergone a massive transformation due to divorce. The final scene – where Johnny's mom realizes that "it had nothing to do with her" – is priceless. Five Candy Canes.
Frosty the Self-hating Cutter. Shortly after Karen and her friends make him from the newly fallen snow, Frosty grows sullen and withdrawn. Refusing to enjoy his corncob pipe or family vacations, Frosty prays for the temp to creep above 32 degrees so that he can "be at peace." Musical numbers and choreography save this dark tale. Three and a Quarter Candy Canes.
Santa's Been Drinking Again. Not even worth reviewing. Stars Margot Kidder as the abused but faithful wife. Gun violence might be unsuitable for smaller children. No Candy Canes.
Trojan Extra Spicy. The ribs make it more enjoyable for some, but most will find the jalapeño taste distracting, if not painful.
Merry Kwanzaa.
posted by Clubber Lang at 3:40 PM
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