LXX. Animals slaughtered for beauty and wealth
The rich are very pretty. Except the old ones. They are kinda gross. But for the most part, rich people are prettier than you and me. Why is that?
I have spent a lot of the past 10 minutes thinking about it, so I am kind of an expert. The following are my theories with brief explanations in English.
1. Wealth attracts beauty. Rich men marry the hottest women then have hot offspring who will breed with the hottest of their generation and so on, until eventually they have the ability to fly. This is not just my theory; it is my hypothesis.
2. Wealth creates beauty. Rich people have the money to buy flattering clothing. I never really understood this until recently. The cut of clothing can make a tremendous difference in how you look.
I love Goodwill – 70 percent of my worldly goods come from there – but their sizes are way off. The cut of an average T-shirt from Target is potato-sack huge on me. For casual day trips and lesser errands, this is fine. I simply put on the T-shirt, cinch it with a rope belt and go out without pants. I resemble Hercules' younger brother, Jercules.
3. Wealth encourages beauty. There is pressure for rich people to look good. They often shower and wear makeup out of pure peer pressure. However, in my 'hood, it is a mad dash to not care. There is no social coercion to look presentable because everyone has basically given up by age 30. We don't do 401(k)s or exfoliate because of our collective conviction that none of us will amount to anything. Hell, we still wear jorts and mullets in the belief that old fashion is proven fashion.
4. Wealth hates corn syrup. Go to an expensive restaurant and look at the portions. You pay 48 bucks for a tablespoon of fish. Go to a dive chain and you can get a washtub of spaghetti for $4.95. The reason? Food places know that un-rich people are obsessed with "perceived good value," so they sell us on bulk. We don't care that it is loaded up with corn syrup and lead paint, we just want the damn "Snow Shovel Full of Casserole" that we ordered.
Now, the super-wealthy are a different matter. They basically come full circle to embrace homeless chic. It is the middle-of-the-pack rich where you find hotness.
So what can we do to become as hot as the rich? Make more money.
I have spent a lot of the past 10 minutes thinking about it, so I am kind of an expert. The following are my theories with brief explanations in English.
1. Wealth attracts beauty. Rich men marry the hottest women then have hot offspring who will breed with the hottest of their generation and so on, until eventually they have the ability to fly. This is not just my theory; it is my hypothesis.
2. Wealth creates beauty. Rich people have the money to buy flattering clothing. I never really understood this until recently. The cut of clothing can make a tremendous difference in how you look.
I love Goodwill – 70 percent of my worldly goods come from there – but their sizes are way off. The cut of an average T-shirt from Target is potato-sack huge on me. For casual day trips and lesser errands, this is fine. I simply put on the T-shirt, cinch it with a rope belt and go out without pants. I resemble Hercules' younger brother, Jercules.
3. Wealth encourages beauty. There is pressure for rich people to look good. They often shower and wear makeup out of pure peer pressure. However, in my 'hood, it is a mad dash to not care. There is no social coercion to look presentable because everyone has basically given up by age 30. We don't do 401(k)s or exfoliate because of our collective conviction that none of us will amount to anything. Hell, we still wear jorts and mullets in the belief that old fashion is proven fashion.
4. Wealth hates corn syrup. Go to an expensive restaurant and look at the portions. You pay 48 bucks for a tablespoon of fish. Go to a dive chain and you can get a washtub of spaghetti for $4.95. The reason? Food places know that un-rich people are obsessed with "perceived good value," so they sell us on bulk. We don't care that it is loaded up with corn syrup and lead paint, we just want the damn "Snow Shovel Full of Casserole" that we ordered.
Now, the super-wealthy are a different matter. They basically come full circle to embrace homeless chic. It is the middle-of-the-pack rich where you find hotness.
So what can we do to become as hot as the rich? Make more money.
posted by Clubber Lang at 10:36 AM
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