LXII. Ivan's Inner Demons

I have been absent for far too long. For those of you who have never met me, I offer you a list of my most Unusual Habits and Characteristics:

I am terrified of the homeless. I believe them to be much wiser and stronger than me.

I stare at women in the Metro. Young, old, skinny, fat, black, white. All of them. I like to hover close over them.

I recently bought an iPod Nano just for my GWAR! albums.

I am most comfortable sitting on the Porcelain Throne.

I have pets, but I haven’t let them out of their cages in years.

I make sexual advances on any co-worker that gives me the time of day.

I like to offer to pay for things, but I truly hate to spend money. I usually find it to be a waste.

I convince myself that I have reoccurring heart attacks. But I love to eat cheese by the bushel, so I put up with them.

I used to dress up as a fat woman throughout my early childhood.

Sometimes, I forget to breathe.

I love romantic comedies. I know Serendipity by heart.

I am convinced I am surrounded my morons. Then, I forget to zip up my pants until lunch, and I second-guess myself.

I enjoy dropping off and picking up Dry Cleaning.

It's nice meeting you all.

-Ivan Drago