XII. Bedtime Stories
If you're anything like me, when you were a child, the highlight of your day would often be the bedtime story that your parents would tell you when they tucked you in at night. "Oh papa, tell me one of those fantastic tales you tell so well" I would often say. To which my father replied, "Open your ears and open your mind, and I shall tell you the greatest tale of them all." Well by this point I was beside myself with excitement and I would inquire, "Oh papa, do you mean you will tell me the great tale of the Viking warlord?". He would say "yes my boy, for it is truly the greatest tale of all." "Go on father, tell me all there is to tell about the Viking warlord and his people!" I would exclaim. Then he would begin...
"In olden times, there existed a great group of people: Fierce and terrible as the minions of hell, yet wise and powerful as the greatest to ever walk this earth. However, they exist today in the minds of humans for their notorious ferocity. The most ferocious of all, was a Viking warlord named Halfor Foeflattener. He was so great in quickness and power, they used to say, that he could wrestle an elephant with his bare hands and never be defeated. Legend has it that he was half man, half wolf. The only thing that was ever more powerful than him, was the love of his life - a beautiful Viking princess named Kaolin Dogchaser. He had never seen such beauty and grace in the frame of a woman standing 6' 8" and weighing roughly 250 lbs. Oh she was a sight to see.
But as legend has it, her father, a legendary fighter himself named Hundi Bearsmasher, forbid them from ever becoming lovers. However, Halfor refused to accept this fate, and took his ship and its crew of 5,000 Viking subjects into the heart of Iceland to rape and pillage the village that Hundi Bearsmasher presided over and claim his lover as his own. Unfortunately for Halfor, Hundi acquired the help of the greatest Barbarian tribe leader of Northern Europe. He was none other than Mar' Foemangler - the "thunder of the west" as he was known. He was indeed a living legend. A man of amazing size and strength, whose odor could paralyze any enemy he encountered. He once told his wife, Niabjorg Weakarm, that "my bruises have bruises, and that's the way I like it."
Well between all of Hundi's minions and Foemangler's barbarian followers, it seemed that they had combined the greatest Viking/Barbarian force in the history of the world. When Halfor and his ship arrived, they were ambushed and Halfor, even with all of his power, was defeated. He lost his left arm and the bottom half of his right leg in battle. He was captured and tortured by Hundi's men. They fed his other arm and leg to a pack of wild dogs and proceed to put a mouse on his genitals so that an elephant could stomp on him and destroy any chance of him procreating. In fact, to assure this would happen, they constructed a guillotine to sever his member in front of the woman he had come to claim. Oh it was so terrible. They even had Mar' Foemangler rape his loved one in front of before eventually tying his limbless body to a raft and sending him out to sea.
So ends the tale of Halfor Foeflattener...."
My dad was a strange fellow
"In olden times, there existed a great group of people: Fierce and terrible as the minions of hell, yet wise and powerful as the greatest to ever walk this earth. However, they exist today in the minds of humans for their notorious ferocity. The most ferocious of all, was a Viking warlord named Halfor Foeflattener. He was so great in quickness and power, they used to say, that he could wrestle an elephant with his bare hands and never be defeated. Legend has it that he was half man, half wolf. The only thing that was ever more powerful than him, was the love of his life - a beautiful Viking princess named Kaolin Dogchaser. He had never seen such beauty and grace in the frame of a woman standing 6' 8" and weighing roughly 250 lbs. Oh she was a sight to see.
But as legend has it, her father, a legendary fighter himself named Hundi Bearsmasher, forbid them from ever becoming lovers. However, Halfor refused to accept this fate, and took his ship and its crew of 5,000 Viking subjects into the heart of Iceland to rape and pillage the village that Hundi Bearsmasher presided over and claim his lover as his own. Unfortunately for Halfor, Hundi acquired the help of the greatest Barbarian tribe leader of Northern Europe. He was none other than Mar' Foemangler - the "thunder of the west" as he was known. He was indeed a living legend. A man of amazing size and strength, whose odor could paralyze any enemy he encountered. He once told his wife, Niabjorg Weakarm, that "my bruises have bruises, and that's the way I like it."
Well between all of Hundi's minions and Foemangler's barbarian followers, it seemed that they had combined the greatest Viking/Barbarian force in the history of the world. When Halfor and his ship arrived, they were ambushed and Halfor, even with all of his power, was defeated. He lost his left arm and the bottom half of his right leg in battle. He was captured and tortured by Hundi's men. They fed his other arm and leg to a pack of wild dogs and proceed to put a mouse on his genitals so that an elephant could stomp on him and destroy any chance of him procreating. In fact, to assure this would happen, they constructed a guillotine to sever his member in front of the woman he had come to claim. Oh it was so terrible. They even had Mar' Foemangler rape his loved one in front of before eventually tying his limbless body to a raft and sending him out to sea.
So ends the tale of Halfor Foeflattener...."
My dad was a strange fellow
posted by Max Rays at 10:39 AM
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