V. Candy Cane Envy
It all started with a large candy cane. A big, giant 25-foot candy cane. Zark Throbmyer, my neighbor, (aka "Splashes" and/or "Unleaded gasoline") has run up the score on me for years with his over-the-top Christmasdecorations: mechanical Santas descending ladders, false reindeer withworking digestive tracts, a sleigh that traverses his yard before ascendinga fake snow-covered roof and ejecting presents. Once he even hired a "Mary"to simulate birth in a manger ringed with twinkling lights.
Top-notch stuff.
I am different. Outside of that one year the cops made me take down mySanta-on-a-scaffold- with-a- noose-around-his- neck-and-sign- pinned-to-his-chest-that-read-"Joy-to-the- Wurld-I'm-out," I have never done much in theway of yard decorations. It never seemed like a big deal. Until Zark erectedthe 25-foot candy cane.
"Howdy, neighbor. Gonna put up a couple strands of lights this year?" Zark said as he fiddled with a plug in the darkness behind his hedge.
"Probably not, Zark."
"Yeah? Well check this out, Grinch," and he threw a switch. An enormouscandy cane appeared in his yard with a large picture of a winking Zark in aSanta hat. His kids came out and hugged him around the leg, and he sneered at me and cackled as if he had just been named my parents' sole heir.
That's it, I'm going to Wal-Mart, I thought.
The Christmas aisle was teeming, bottlenecks of carts forming and childrendarting away from barking parents. A man in jogging shorts passed behind mejust as I took a step backward, and then IT HAPPENED. My right hand grazed afloppy bit of proud flesh at the point of his shorts. What just happened?After 1.3 second of hang time, the sensation registered, and my eyes gotwide."What the ..." I heard him utter.
I turned around and immediately avoided eye contact. "Oh dude, I'm so sorry.Man, dude, totally an accident. ..." In my fumbling explanation, I keptrepeating phrases often associated with heterosexuals, like "marriage" and"religious right," but he was having none of it."I'm getting security. There are kids around here, for God's sake." He disappeared into the crowd.I scrambled for the nearest fire exit and sprinted across the parking lottoward my car. I ran into my house, jumped into the shower and began tovigorously scrub.
Never envy another man's candy cane. In my case, it led to another kind ofenvy.
Top-notch stuff.
I am different. Outside of that one year the cops made me take down mySanta-on-a-scaffold- with-a- noose-around-his- neck-and-sign- pinned-to-his-chest-that-read-"Joy-to-the- Wurld-I'm-out," I have never done much in theway of yard decorations. It never seemed like a big deal. Until Zark erectedthe 25-foot candy cane.
"Howdy, neighbor. Gonna put up a couple strands of lights this year?" Zark said as he fiddled with a plug in the darkness behind his hedge.
"Probably not, Zark."
"Yeah? Well check this out, Grinch," and he threw a switch. An enormouscandy cane appeared in his yard with a large picture of a winking Zark in aSanta hat. His kids came out and hugged him around the leg, and he sneered at me and cackled as if he had just been named my parents' sole heir.
That's it, I'm going to Wal-Mart, I thought.
The Christmas aisle was teeming, bottlenecks of carts forming and childrendarting away from barking parents. A man in jogging shorts passed behind mejust as I took a step backward, and then IT HAPPENED. My right hand grazed afloppy bit of proud flesh at the point of his shorts. What just happened?After 1.3 second of hang time, the sensation registered, and my eyes gotwide."What the ..." I heard him utter.
I turned around and immediately avoided eye contact. "Oh dude, I'm so sorry.Man, dude, totally an accident. ..." In my fumbling explanation, I keptrepeating phrases often associated with heterosexuals, like "marriage" and"religious right," but he was having none of it."I'm getting security. There are kids around here, for God's sake." He disappeared into the crowd.I scrambled for the nearest fire exit and sprinted across the parking lottoward my car. I ran into my house, jumped into the shower and began tovigorously scrub.
Never envy another man's candy cane. In my case, it led to another kind ofenvy.
posted by Clubber Lang at 5:50 PM
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