XCIII. La Primavera
Today is the first day of spring, and yes, I took a new lover.
It is not easy, this getting a new lover for the spring, but when you have plumage like I do (a Honda with leather trim), the women present their hind quarters for enticement in procession.
The only bad part of mating season is fending off the lesser males so you can breed freely and often with your females. How do you fend off lesser males? I usually plant drugs on them and call the cops. They then mate in prison, where DNA is shared widely but ineffectively.
When I was younger and didn't know how to land a new lover for the spring, I watched a lot of animal documentaries to see how it is done. These left me completely traumatized. It appears that all animal sex is rape. Sure, there is some mating dance, but when it gets down to business, the violence, aggression and attempts at escape convince me that a female in the wild isn't afforded second thoughts.
Being a more refined sort of creature, I took what I could from the animal kingdom (the gentle but forceful bite to the neck, the firm grip) and left the rest (the spraying of urine on her den, the lack of showering) and set out to enter the world of dating and mating.
I was unsuccessful at first, but I quickly developed the guidelines that have since made me a top flight male. I share them now with you, in hopes that you will have a successful mating season.
Clubber's guide for men on how to take a lover for the spring.
1. Strut your stuff. If you have a great car, keep it clean and show it off. If you have a great apartment, use any excuse to get a potential mate to see it. Women are attracted to males with resources. Learn from my experience. "Hey, wanna see a dead body?" is a horrible play on curiosity to get a girl back to your apartment.
2. Know the right time. Wait for a strong positive signal. Just because a woman says she can relate to you doesn't mean you can immediately reach out and start honking her chest, especially if she is relating to you because both of you recently had family members die. I really misread that one.
3. Give her a sense of competition. Women are attracted to males they feel are getting attention from other females. Have a good-looking female friend approach you during a date and flirt with you for a few minutes, then leave. Tell your new date it is one of the many girls at work who have been after you but you won't date her because it is company policy. Her competitive juices will start flowing. Then honk her chest.
4. Don't make a play for her female relatives in the same mating season. I once had a girl bust me with one of her relatives. My excuse of "well, your grandmother may not be around next year" didn't pacify her. I then tried to honk her chest and made it worse.
5. Finally, possess over $2 million. In fact, forget all the other ones, this is all you need.
Clubber's guide for a successful mating season for women.
1. Say yes.
It is not easy, this getting a new lover for the spring, but when you have plumage like I do (a Honda with leather trim), the women present their hind quarters for enticement in procession.
The only bad part of mating season is fending off the lesser males so you can breed freely and often with your females. How do you fend off lesser males? I usually plant drugs on them and call the cops. They then mate in prison, where DNA is shared widely but ineffectively.
When I was younger and didn't know how to land a new lover for the spring, I watched a lot of animal documentaries to see how it is done. These left me completely traumatized. It appears that all animal sex is rape. Sure, there is some mating dance, but when it gets down to business, the violence, aggression and attempts at escape convince me that a female in the wild isn't afforded second thoughts.
Being a more refined sort of creature, I took what I could from the animal kingdom (the gentle but forceful bite to the neck, the firm grip) and left the rest (the spraying of urine on her den, the lack of showering) and set out to enter the world of dating and mating.
I was unsuccessful at first, but I quickly developed the guidelines that have since made me a top flight male. I share them now with you, in hopes that you will have a successful mating season.
Clubber's guide for men on how to take a lover for the spring.
1. Strut your stuff. If you have a great car, keep it clean and show it off. If you have a great apartment, use any excuse to get a potential mate to see it. Women are attracted to males with resources. Learn from my experience. "Hey, wanna see a dead body?" is a horrible play on curiosity to get a girl back to your apartment.
2. Know the right time. Wait for a strong positive signal. Just because a woman says she can relate to you doesn't mean you can immediately reach out and start honking her chest, especially if she is relating to you because both of you recently had family members die. I really misread that one.
3. Give her a sense of competition. Women are attracted to males they feel are getting attention from other females. Have a good-looking female friend approach you during a date and flirt with you for a few minutes, then leave. Tell your new date it is one of the many girls at work who have been after you but you won't date her because it is company policy. Her competitive juices will start flowing. Then honk her chest.
4. Don't make a play for her female relatives in the same mating season. I once had a girl bust me with one of her relatives. My excuse of "well, your grandmother may not be around next year" didn't pacify her. I then tried to honk her chest and made it worse.
5. Finally, possess over $2 million. In fact, forget all the other ones, this is all you need.
Clubber's guide for a successful mating season for women.
1. Say yes.
posted by Clubber Lang at 10:33 AM
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