XVIII. Great Expectations
"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times ..."
Anyone with at least a fifth-grade education will recognize this as the immortal first line of Hemingway's classic The Da Vinci Code. Every true writer knows you must addict the reader instantly with a killer opening line.
But believe it or not, sometimes I can't get that first sentence just right. So I sit around my house looking at porn. But I don't give up. Many times, when just the muted crunch of gravel heralds mom's approaching Corolla, I frantically clear the browser history and rush back into my room to fake another overdose. But first lines are important, too.
To instruct the nascent writer, I have compiled a list of first lines from my least successful 101-stories. I hope you can profit from my well-intentioned mistakes.
"Tony looked at me as I laid face down on the gurney, and announced that the infection had spread with hilarious results."
From "Granny "
Comes Home," March 15, 2005
"It was the best of tines, it was the worst of thymes."
From "The Fork in the Choad," March 14, 2005
"I slapped the old woman squarely in the sutures and laughed kindheartedly."
From "Hospital Dis-Orderly," Jan. 31, 2004
"What are we supposed to do now?" From "After
Shelley Winters" Feb. 14, 2005
"The solo car trip is a golden opportunity to relieve oneself into a 2-liter Mountain Dew bottle without pissing away any valuable travel time."
From "A Trip to Bounty-spill," Aug. 24, 2005
"My therapist says I am a good lover, but I don't trust him anymore!"
From "The Couch, the Counselor and the Cucumber," April 17, 2005
"My lower leg dangled by a thread of gentle sinew, but I vowed to continue with the christening."
From "Who Are These Guys?!" May 9, 2005
"She laid there – dead – as I lit my first cigarette."
From "My Time With Karen," unpublished
"I assured her in silky tones that it wouldn't hurt as much as the book said."
From "A Matter of Trust," Feb. 29, 2006
See? A first line can really make or break your story. So can a last line.
Anyone with at least a fifth-grade education will recognize this as the immortal first line of Hemingway's classic The Da Vinci Code. Every true writer knows you must addict the reader instantly with a killer opening line.
But believe it or not, sometimes I can't get that first sentence just right. So I sit around my house looking at porn. But I don't give up. Many times, when just the muted crunch of gravel heralds mom's approaching Corolla, I frantically clear the browser history and rush back into my room to fake another overdose. But first lines are important, too.
To instruct the nascent writer, I have compiled a list of first lines from my least successful 101-stories. I hope you can profit from my well-intentioned mistakes.
"Tony looked at me as I laid face down on the gurney, and announced that the infection had spread with hilarious results."
From "Granny "
Comes Home," March 15, 2005
"It was the best of tines, it was the worst of thymes."
From "The Fork in the Choad," March 14, 2005
"I slapped the old woman squarely in the sutures and laughed kindheartedly."
From "Hospital Dis-Orderly," Jan. 31, 2004
"What are we supposed to do now?" From "After
Shelley Winters" Feb. 14, 2005
"The solo car trip is a golden opportunity to relieve oneself into a 2-liter Mountain Dew bottle without pissing away any valuable travel time."
From "A Trip to Bounty-spill," Aug. 24, 2005
"My therapist says I am a good lover, but I don't trust him anymore!"
From "The Couch, the Counselor and the Cucumber," April 17, 2005
"My lower leg dangled by a thread of gentle sinew, but I vowed to continue with the christening."
From "Who Are These Guys?!" May 9, 2005
"She laid there – dead – as I lit my first cigarette."
From "My Time With Karen," unpublished
"I assured her in silky tones that it wouldn't hurt as much as the book said."
From "A Matter of Trust," Feb. 29, 2006
See? A first line can really make or break your story. So can a last line.
posted by Clubber Lang at 3:25 PM
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