Tis the season for hilarity, death
After Christmas, Thanksgiving and the Fourth of July, Halloween is my favorite holiday. I love decorating my house in life-affirming themes such as death, graveyards and corpses.
According to Wikipedia, modern Halloween began when Nathan Halloween landed on Plymouth Rock during the first World War, and sat on a tuffet knitting the first American flag, when along came a spider and got him pregnant. Then his baby, which was half jack-o-lantern, founded a greeting card company. Then I got Rick-Rolled and lost interest in research.
Now it is time for my patented annual Halloween grab bag of ideas, stories and word-scrambles.
Costume ideas for men: Instead of going as Heath Ledger as the Joker, someone will inevitably go as Heath Ledger himself.
Requirements: Empty prescription pill bottle, Post-It note from an Olsen twin, a coffin.
Lactating Sarah Palin: If this election has taught us anything, it is that people love lactating mavericks (Shawn Bradley).
Requirements: Eyeglasses, wig, water cannons. Fill water cannons with half-and-half and blast passersby with your own brand of reform.
Top 10 costume ideas for women:
1. A scary witch wearing lingerie and showing her bottom.
2. The Bride of Frankenstein on her wedding night, wearing a thong, high heels and showing her bottom.
3. A car accident victim who happened to be wearing a teddy at the moment of impact. And the impact made her bottom come out.
4. A mummy wearing a sexy nurse outfit instead of gauze.
5. A sexy nurse.
6. A whore.
7. A slut.
8. A girl dressed as a whore or slut.
9. A girl who shows her bottom.
10. Girl bottom.
Pumpkin seed recipe:
Soak pumpkin seeds in vodka. Pick out pumpkin seeds. Drink.
Halloween pranks:
1. Tell a friend that you want to give him all your baseball cards, but he has to come to the graveyard at night to pick them up. After he follows the trail of baseball cards that leads to a particular headstone, he will discover that his name is etched on it, with the death date being the current date. As horror overcomes his face, punch him in the throat and bomb his car. Enjoy the mutual laugh.
2. Make a friend sign up for a non-interest-bearing account, but TELL him that it is an interest-bearing account. When he confronts you, hit him in the face.
3. Ask a friend to come over under the pretense that you are thinking about killing yourself. Then when he arrives, tell him you misspoke and that you meant to say you're going to kill HIM. After the BANG flag comes out of the end of the pistol and he is laughing, knee him in the groin.
Word scrambles and Fill-N-Da-Blanks:
haolweeln
k_ll
In conclusion, Halloween is a fun and safe holiday for the whole family.
According to Wikipedia, modern Halloween began when Nathan Halloween landed on Plymouth Rock during the first World War, and sat on a tuffet knitting the first American flag, when along came a spider and got him pregnant. Then his baby, which was half jack-o-lantern, founded a greeting card company. Then I got Rick-Rolled and lost interest in research.
Now it is time for my patented annual Halloween grab bag of ideas, stories and word-scrambles.
Costume ideas for men: Instead of going as Heath Ledger as the Joker, someone will inevitably go as Heath Ledger himself.
Requirements: Empty prescription pill bottle, Post-It note from an Olsen twin, a coffin.
Lactating Sarah Palin: If this election has taught us anything, it is that people love lactating mavericks (Shawn Bradley).
Requirements: Eyeglasses, wig, water cannons. Fill water cannons with half-and-half and blast passersby with your own brand of reform.
Top 10 costume ideas for women:
1. A scary witch wearing lingerie and showing her bottom.
2. The Bride of Frankenstein on her wedding night, wearing a thong, high heels and showing her bottom.
3. A car accident victim who happened to be wearing a teddy at the moment of impact. And the impact made her bottom come out.
4. A mummy wearing a sexy nurse outfit instead of gauze.
5. A sexy nurse.
6. A whore.
7. A slut.
8. A girl dressed as a whore or slut.
9. A girl who shows her bottom.
10. Girl bottom.
Pumpkin seed recipe:
Soak pumpkin seeds in vodka. Pick out pumpkin seeds. Drink.
Halloween pranks:
1. Tell a friend that you want to give him all your baseball cards, but he has to come to the graveyard at night to pick them up. After he follows the trail of baseball cards that leads to a particular headstone, he will discover that his name is etched on it, with the death date being the current date. As horror overcomes his face, punch him in the throat and bomb his car. Enjoy the mutual laugh.
2. Make a friend sign up for a non-interest-bearing account, but TELL him that it is an interest-bearing account. When he confronts you, hit him in the face.
3. Ask a friend to come over under the pretense that you are thinking about killing yourself. Then when he arrives, tell him you misspoke and that you meant to say you're going to kill HIM. After the BANG flag comes out of the end of the pistol and he is laughing, knee him in the groin.
Word scrambles and Fill-N-Da-Blanks:
haolweeln
k_ll
In conclusion, Halloween is a fun and safe holiday for the whole family.
posted by Clubber Lang at 9:42 AM
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